heart in my throat

my heart is in my throat. Been in there for a while. It's broken and defeated...to the point that I don't know if I can mend it. Healing doesn't seem like an option right now. If I could just find the ability to hate I wish I could. I wish I could hate you. I am afraid that I don't have the capability too. To lement my broken heart. I haven't found a way to pick up the super glue and fix what's broken. A friend of mine told me that maybe I am trying to hard to be happy and not fixing what is broken. However this person also told me that being beautiful is enough to be happy. However there are few things wrong with this statement. 1) I don't think I am beautiful 2) beauty fads 3) someone just wanting to fuck me isn't my idea of a good time 4) This goes way beyond that issue. Alas I have to say that being told that you aren't good enough is the steak through the heart. I'm a very passionate person and love with my whole being. In this tug of war with my head and heart. Being pushed and encouraged to open up and spill my emotions and then told that I am not good enough. I never will be. FUCK!

music is my crack

Music is my crack. It heals wounds and soothes the soul. It can speak for you when you can not. It can also cut like knives and causes deep rips in the heart. My heart hurts. The pain is really consuming. My chest actually aches...physically has pain in it. Makes it hard for my head to communicate with it. Part of me really wants to go back home. Home to Kent, back to the trailer park, back to my mom. While the other part wants to go far...far away. Away from everyone I know. To be alone. Alone with myself....go to Portland, San Fran, Vancouver or all the way to Europe. Guh my heart is in my fucking throat and I've been crying way to much now to be even the slightest bit poetic. MOTHERFUCKER! Guh...bed time